A few quotes and jokes

EVERY message board has a "Boxing Ring". . here is a forum where you can say what you want about who you want . . . or just rant in general

A few quotes and jokes

Postby 666rog » Wed Jan 22, 2014 11:35 am

JACK BURNICLE was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."
CLAIR FRISBY talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
PAT GLENN - Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!”
CARENZA LEWIS about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it!"
US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them… Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"
A FEMALE news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard
Last edited by 666rog on Wed Jan 22, 2014 11:37 am, edited 1 time in total.
Manufacturer of the finest quality swarf in the UK.
666rog
 
Posts: 703
Joined: Mon Jun 15, 2009 11:12 am
Location: West London

Re: A few quotes

Postby 666rog » Wed Jan 22, 2014 11:36 am

FOR ALL EMPLOYEES WHO WORK WITH RUDE CUSTOMERS!!!

Hopefully, this is a true story. Indeed, an award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some months ago for being customer focused, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".
The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone:May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F... You!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."
Manufacturer of the finest quality swarf in the UK.
666rog
 
Posts: 703
Joined: Mon Jun 15, 2009 11:12 am
Location: West London

Re: A few quotes and jokes

Postby 666rog » Wed Jan 22, 2014 11:37 am

Sydney Morning Herald Monday, June 15th 1999:
"An employee for Ansett Australia, who happened to have the last name of GAY, got on a plane recently using one of his company's "Free Flight" programs.
However, when Mr. Gay tried to take his seat, he found it being occupied by a paying passenger. So, not to make a fuss, he simply chose another seat. Unknown to Mr. Gay, another Ansett Australia flight at the airport experienced mechanical problems. The passengers of this other flight were being re-routed to various aeroplanes. A few were put on Mr. Gay's flight and anyone who was holding a "free" ticket was being "bumped".
Ansett officials, armed with a list of these "freebie" ticket holders boarded the plane to remove the free ticket holders. Of course, our Mr. Gay was not sitting in his assigned seat as you may remember. So when the Ticket Agent approached the seat where Mr. Gay was supposed to be sitting, she asked a startled customer "Are you Gay? The man shyly nodded that he was at which point she demanded: "Then you have to get off the plane".
Mr. Gay, overhearing what the Ticket Agent had said, tried to clear up the situation: "You've got the wrong man. I'm Gay! This caused an angry third passenger to yell, "Hell, I'm gay too! They can't kick us all off!" Confusion reined as more and more passengers began yelling that Ansett Australia had no right to remove gays from their flights.
Ansett refused to comment on the incident.
Manufacturer of the finest quality swarf in the UK.
666rog
 
Posts: 703
Joined: Mon Jun 15, 2009 11:12 am
Location: West London

Re: A few quotes and jokes

Postby 666rog » Wed Jan 22, 2014 11:39 am

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Beltway had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
**************************
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc. "tastes exactly like the real thing", they won't know any difference.
Manufacturer of the finest quality swarf in the UK.
666rog
 
Posts: 703
Joined: Mon Jun 15, 2009 11:12 am
Location: West London

Re: A few quotes and jokes

Postby tallyb » Wed Jan 22, 2014 8:39 pm

Excellent Roger. :up


Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc. "tastes exactly like the real thing", they won't know any difference.[/quote]

When veggies come to you for dinners they tell you of their dietry requirements, tofu and quorn. when I go to them for dinner I remind them of my dietry requirements, a nice bit of steak. :up
tallyb
 
Posts: 352
Joined: Wed Jun 03, 2009 6:19 pm
Location: Larne Northern Ireland

Re: A few quotes and jokes

Postby olde coney » Thu Jan 23, 2014 8:19 am

All very good :clap ....and Rog I once knew a fella called Kim, he was a good looking lad who always had a girl on his arm, I reckoned he was a real lucky bastard and one day I told him so..................his reply ????

He said " nah you're the lucky bastard, I wish I was called Roger" :lol: :lol: :lol:

That is absolutely true, there's hope for you and me yet mate ...p.s I bell ya soon :up :lol:
There is a big difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit
User avatar
olde coney
 
Posts: 2531
Joined: Fri Jun 05, 2009 9:58 am
Location: Northern Ireland, via Yorkshire and Cumbria

Re: A few quotes and jokes

Postby husson73 » Thu Jan 23, 2014 8:22 am

perfet love the US PGA commentator :beer
Jean-Pierre CH.
"We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender" WS Churchill.
User avatar
husson73
 
Posts: 3147
Joined: Fri Jun 05, 2009 9:45 am
Location: PARIS FRANCE

Re: A few quotes and jokes

Postby tallyb » Thu Jan 23, 2014 7:59 pm

And never to be forgotten Brian Johnston quote, just magic.

The bowler's Holding, the batsman's Willey
tallyb
 
Posts: 352
Joined: Wed Jun 03, 2009 6:19 pm
Location: Larne Northern Ireland

Re: A few quotes and jokes

Postby tallyb » Thu Jan 23, 2014 8:04 pm

Probably from the same page Roger got his.


New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl
Gibson comes inside of him."

Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely
horse. I once rode her mother."

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't
that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the
Oxford crew."

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better
today after a 69 yesterday."

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen
Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

Mchael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male
astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They
seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in
his shorts."

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to
use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
tallyb
 
Posts: 352
Joined: Wed Jun 03, 2009 6:19 pm
Location: Larne Northern Ireland

Re: A few quotes and jokes

Postby crazy angel » Thu Mar 13, 2014 7:40 pm

WHO INVENTED SEX?

A Greek and an Italian were talking one day, discussing who had the superior culture.

Over coffee, the Greek says:
"Well, we built the Parthenon."
The Italian replies:
"We built the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts:
"We Greeks gave birth to mathematics."
The Italian, nodding, says:
"But we built the Roman Empire".

And so on and on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion: with a flourish of finality he says:

"We invented sex!"

The Italian then replies:

"That is true, but it was the Italians who included women...
User avatar
crazy angel
 
Posts: 502
Joined: Wed Jun 03, 2009 8:06 pm
Location: Brereton, Rugeley, Staffs

Next

Return to Speakers Corner . .

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest

cron