LETS JUST OFFEND EVERYONE!

EVERY message board has a "Boxing Ring". . here is a forum where you can say what you want about who you want . . . or just rant in general

LETS JUST OFFEND EVERYONE!

Postby djfisher22 » Fri Aug 05, 2011 12:20 am

LETS JUST OFFEND EVERYONE!










I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him 'I wish I had your will power.'


I took my Biology exam last Friday.
I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.
Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were not the correct answers.


A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.' I said don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it eventually.


I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank.
When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said 'Nope, youre still black'


Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight.
I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that!


An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks What is wrong??
The boy says Me ma is dead. Oh bejaysus the man says Do you want me to call
Father ORiley for you? The boy replies No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.


Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away.But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.


I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself Im going to take that.


Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him Where am I? The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back.
Youre in that feckin basket.


I had a Trivia competition shot to pieces until the last question which I got wrong.
The question was Where do women have the curliest hair??
The answer I should have given was Fiji.
User avatar
djfisher22
 
Posts: 752
Joined: Thu Jun 04, 2009 12:54 am
Location: Pittsburgh,Pennsylvania

Re: LETS JUST OFFEND EVERYONE!

Postby smokin » Mon Aug 08, 2011 12:57 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: !!!! Very funny, like our jokes here!!
Btw you can never find jokes this funny on any US boards... wonder why ;)
User avatar
smokin
 
Posts: 136
Joined: Tue May 31, 2011 5:19 pm
Location: Helsinki Finland

Re: LETS JUST OFFEND EVERYONE!

Postby Old-Nail » Mon Aug 08, 2011 3:46 pm

I was at the supermarket checkout the other day with a full basket of groceries when a little old lady came behind me holding a single tin of cat food.

"Is that all you want?" I asked. Her little face lit up as she replied "Yes dear just the one item".

"Better f*ck off to another till then 'cause I'm gonna be ages". :P
Old-Nail
 
Posts: 67
Joined: Wed Mar 16, 2011 7:52 pm
Location: Lancashire

Re: LETS JUST OFFEND EVERYONE!

Postby Wolfie » Mon Aug 08, 2011 7:39 pm

:roll: Hey DJ there were NO jokes about Americans in there...
.
.
I used to be a Yorkshire Werewolf, but am alreet nar!
User avatar
Wolfie
 
Posts: 2623
Joined: Wed Jun 03, 2009 5:57 pm
Location: East, North and South Yorkshire, We're the Elawi.

Re: LETS JUST OFFEND EVERYONE!

Postby djfisher22 » Mon Aug 08, 2011 10:35 pm

Wolfie wrote: :roll: Hey DJ there were NO jokes about Americans in there...



We septics take enough beating on this site. Thought I'd give us a break. But I promise next time it'll be all hillbillys and poor,dumb, half ass wanna be US motorcycle restorers we make fun of. :beer
User avatar
djfisher22
 
Posts: 752
Joined: Thu Jun 04, 2009 12:54 am
Location: Pittsburgh,Pennsylvania

Re: LETS JUST OFFEND EVERYONE!

Postby djfisher22 » Mon Aug 08, 2011 10:48 pm

how bout these? :angel





SOMETHING More TO OFFEND EVERYONE!


Wh at do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan


What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag


Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.


What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts


Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.


What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.


What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.


What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs


What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes


What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.


Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.


Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.


What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you


What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.


Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.


What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.


What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"


Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.


Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.


Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.


Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mon days, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.


Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.


Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong".


What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.


What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.


What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".


How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!


What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." -A southern fairytale begins
"Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit....


Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides






A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.


While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God
she asked "Is my time up?"


God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.


She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her
teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as
well make the most of it.


After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing
the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.


Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
ambulance?"


God replied: "Shit! I didn't recognize you."
User avatar
djfisher22
 
Posts: 752
Joined: Thu Jun 04, 2009 12:54 am
Location: Pittsburgh,Pennsylvania

Re: LETS JUST OFFEND EVERYONE!

Postby Old-Nail » Tue Aug 09, 2011 1:51 pm

For years I thought my dad suffered from Tourette’s. Turns out he just thought I was a cunt.

I was once asked to run a marathon and I replied, “No chance!” But then I was told it was for disabled and blind kids, so I thought “Fuck it – I could win that!”

A man walks into a sex shop and tells the woman behind the counter he’s looking for a blow-up doll. “Well,” replies the woman, “the Muslim doll blows itself up.”

Suicide bombers huh? What makes them tick?

I now work for the Samaritans. I tried to call in sick this morning but the bastards talked me out of it.

A train spotter friend of mine fell in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.

Did you hear about the suicidal wanker? He tossed himself off a bridge.

I hate getting old. I’ll never forget finding my first grey pubic hair. I wouldn’t have minded, but it was in a kebab.

I was reading in the paper about this dwarf who had his pocket picked and his wallet stolen. How could anyone stoop so low?

Jesus was making his usual rounds in Heaven when he noticed a little white-haired old man sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate. He was saddened to see the old man looking so miserable so he stopped to talk to him.

“Old man,” said Jesus gently, “this is Heaven. The sun is shining, you have all you could want here and you’re supposed to be blissfully happy! What’s wrong?”
“Well,” said the old man, “you see, on earth I was a carpenter, and lost my only, dearly beloved son at an early age. And here in Heaven I was hoping more than anything to find him.”

Tears sprang from Jesus’ eyes. “FATHER!” he cried.The old man jumped to his feet, bursting into tears, and sobbed, “PINOCCHIO!”
Old-Nail
 
Posts: 67
Joined: Wed Mar 16, 2011 7:52 pm
Location: Lancashire

Re: LETS JUST OFFEND EVERYONE!

Postby smokin » Wed Aug 10, 2011 10:11 am

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: .... guys, you are just killing me... :lol: :lol:
User avatar
smokin
 
Posts: 136
Joined: Tue May 31, 2011 5:19 pm
Location: Helsinki Finland

Re: LETS JUST OFFEND EVERYONE!

Postby H2Herman » Fri Aug 12, 2011 6:08 pm

I think this was already posted here some years ago. But as we get older and memory begins to fail.... here it is again :

STATE OF KENTUCKY RESIDENCY APPLICATION
Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob
(last) (_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack
(Check appropriate box)

Age: ____
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Un-employed


Spouse's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet


Number of children living in household: ___

Number that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________

Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)


Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

__ Total number of vehicles you own
__ Number of vehicles that still crank
__ Number of vehicles in front yard
__ Number of vehicles in back yard
__ Number of vehicles on cement blocks


Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed


Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_


Do you have a gun rack?
(_) Yes (_) No; please explain:


Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun


___ Number of times you've seen a UFO

___ Number of times you've seen Elvis

___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO


How often do you bathe:
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Not Applicable


Color of teeth:
(_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown
(_)Black
(_)N/A


Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man


How far is your home from a paved road?
(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)don't know
LIFE IS AN ILLUSION CAUSED BY A LACK OF ALCOHOL
User avatar
H2Herman
 
Posts: 358
Joined: Wed Jun 10, 2009 5:56 pm
Location: Buckinghamshire

Re: LETS JUST OFFEND EVERYONE!

Postby kas750 » Fri Aug 12, 2011 6:21 pm

Gotz...the tears are streaming down my face! :lol: :lol: :lol:
User avatar
kas750
 
Posts: 930
Joined: Wed Jun 03, 2009 7:47 pm
Location: Euxton,Lancashire

Next

Return to Speakers Corner . .

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests